Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Cleveland Cavaliers broadcast had returned from a media timeout in the late first quarter just a tad too little early. At this moment, both the Quicken Loans Arena spectators and the television audience became mutually subjected to the infamous potential metaphoric train wreck already in-progress on the big screen: The Jumbo-tron Marriage Proposal.

Now, many of us have attended major/professional sporting events or some type of big venue that featured a shared over-sized television screen for B-line entertainment/stimulation. Many of us have even been lucky enough to witness 'man and woman' take their first step toward 'husband and wife' solely because this giant multimedia mind-fuck was not being used for anything better during the last 25 seconds of a TV timeout. If this happening sounds entirely foreign, then let us use an example:

In a last ditch effort to save his relationship, Bob pays someone who owns a ginormous television to execute a marriage proposal for him while thousands of strangers mentally reach out to stop him. However in doing so, Bob theoretically achieves the "romantic cheering crowd approach" to his proposal, (You know like when Zack Morris kisses Kelly Kopowski between classes? Or when Uncle Jessie seduces Rebecca Donaldson at Michelle's house? You'll understand if you get ONE of those references).

Stay with me. Bob also does not really have to handle the weight of a major relationship transition all by himself; Yet. And with this plan of action, Bob is able to have his marriage intentions clearly posted in text. [Not the 'omg' or 'lmfao' kind of text. The message would NOT read, 'wil u merry me? lol;)']. Waaaay too many strange symbols in that portion of the blog, brackets?? WTF??

Join me down here. Okay so Bob empties his wallet so someone can program the giant tv to ask his date to marry him. His message will be in 280,000 font. During the last 25 seconds of the media timeout, 'Kathy, Will You Marry Me?' is displayed simultaneously for the spectators in Quicken Loans Arena, the Cleveland Cavaliers organization, the television audience including myself, and of course the most important person, Kathy. Much to our entertainment as witnesses, Kathy is the LAST person in this equation to be expecting the situation placed in her control. (I mean the Kiss Cam was embarrassing enough, lol.) Cavs fans, you follow.

Bob has done 2 things with his much anticipated moment of excellence: First, he has essentially paid hundreds of thousands of people to witness/encourage what could be the most defining moment in the 'Bob and Kathy' saga by putting the pressure on Kathy to agree and get if over with.

Secondly, by putting his giant proposal on that giant video screen, Bob has actually put his giant balls under a giant guillotine. Bob's actions may seem like a flawless romantic plan to cement his life with Kathy, but don't be fooled! YouTube 'Marriage Proposal Rejected' and click on the first or second link (it's a very similar outcome), and you tell me what's more embarrassing. Go ahead... I'll wait...

Would you rather be sitting on the couch at her apartment worrying that the normal size television volume was too loud and that a soft spoken proposal was misheard? "What baby? I said 'will you carry me another beer to this couch, where I'm sitting?' What did you think I said? Geeeez." OR would you rather be in the center of a capacity crowd worrying that mixed jeering from mostly inebriated basketball fans may now be an insurmountable obstacle in your latest debacle with Kathy all because you decided to involve the giant television?

To all you 'Bobs' out there, your struggling relationship isn't a Jared's commercial nor is it a school assembly. Next time, pop the question at dinner before the game, (Don't do it at Fatfish Blue or Pannini's. You get that Cleveland?) If she says "No" then your options are simple and ideal. Spare your dignity, make her walk home, sell her ticket and use the profits to get drunk with a new buddy while watching Lebron and the Cavs provide the entertainment during the actual basketball game. It is not your job to entertain me during timeouts. Bitch wasn't worth it anyway. Shake it off Bob.

Now, Where Was I?

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