Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Cleveland Cavaliers broadcast had returned from a media timeout in the late first quarter just a tad too little early. At this moment, both the Quicken Loans Arena spectators and the television audience became mutually subjected to the infamous potential metaphoric train wreck already in-progress on the big screen: The Jumbo-tron Marriage Proposal.

Now, many of us have attended major/professional sporting events or some type of big venue that featured a shared over-sized television screen for B-line entertainment/stimulation. Many of us have even been lucky enough to witness 'man and woman' take their first step toward 'husband and wife' solely because this giant multimedia mind-fuck was not being used for anything better during the last 25 seconds of a TV timeout. If this happening sounds entirely foreign, then let us use an example:

In a last ditch effort to save his relationship, Bob pays someone who owns a ginormous television to execute a marriage proposal for him while thousands of strangers mentally reach out to stop him. However in doing so, Bob theoretically achieves the "romantic cheering crowd approach" to his proposal, (You know like when Zack Morris kisses Kelly Kopowski between classes? Or when Uncle Jessie seduces Rebecca Donaldson at Michelle's house? You'll understand if you get ONE of those references).

Stay with me. Bob also does not really have to handle the weight of a major relationship transition all by himself; Yet. And with this plan of action, Bob is able to have his marriage intentions clearly posted in text. [Not the 'omg' or 'lmfao' kind of text. The message would NOT read, 'wil u merry me? lol;)']. Waaaay too many strange symbols in that portion of the blog, brackets?? WTF??

Join me down here. Okay so Bob empties his wallet so someone can program the giant tv to ask his date to marry him. His message will be in 280,000 font. During the last 25 seconds of the media timeout, 'Kathy, Will You Marry Me?' is displayed simultaneously for the spectators in Quicken Loans Arena, the Cleveland Cavaliers organization, the television audience including myself, and of course the most important person, Kathy. Much to our entertainment as witnesses, Kathy is the LAST person in this equation to be expecting the situation placed in her control. (I mean the Kiss Cam was embarrassing enough, lol.) Cavs fans, you follow.

Bob has done 2 things with his much anticipated moment of excellence: First, he has essentially paid hundreds of thousands of people to witness/encourage what could be the most defining moment in the 'Bob and Kathy' saga by putting the pressure on Kathy to agree and get if over with.

Secondly, by putting his giant proposal on that giant video screen, Bob has actually put his giant balls under a giant guillotine. Bob's actions may seem like a flawless romantic plan to cement his life with Kathy, but don't be fooled! YouTube 'Marriage Proposal Rejected' and click on the first or second link (it's a very similar outcome), and you tell me what's more embarrassing. Go ahead... I'll wait...

Would you rather be sitting on the couch at her apartment worrying that the normal size television volume was too loud and that a soft spoken proposal was misheard? "What baby? I said 'will you carry me another beer to this couch, where I'm sitting?' What did you think I said? Geeeez." OR would you rather be in the center of a capacity crowd worrying that mixed jeering from mostly inebriated basketball fans may now be an insurmountable obstacle in your latest debacle with Kathy all because you decided to involve the giant television?

To all you 'Bobs' out there, your struggling relationship isn't a Jared's commercial nor is it a school assembly. Next time, pop the question at dinner before the game, (Don't do it at Fatfish Blue or Pannini's. You get that Cleveland?) If she says "No" then your options are simple and ideal. Spare your dignity, make her walk home, sell her ticket and use the profits to get drunk with a new buddy while watching Lebron and the Cavs provide the entertainment during the actual basketball game. It is not your job to entertain me during timeouts. Bitch wasn't worth it anyway. Shake it off Bob.

Now, Where Was I?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Thing is... I don't exactly WANT to see your hickey on a Monday morning

If you were so lucky to share company with someone who actually wanted to have sexual relations with you during the weekend prior, please make some kind of half-ass effort to hide your grotesque love-sucking lesions, wherever they may have landed. It's bad enough on any given uneventful work hour that my brain has wandered aimlessly in unexplainable attempts to gather who would actually sleep with you, or put their mouth on you in any fashion. Scarf it, bring up a hood, wear a turtle neck, or pop that collar for yours and the sake of other people. I'd much rather believe you were cold, or thug-like, or a douche bag, or just one of those cats who can pull off a random turtle neck whenever the mood may strike. Part of me is hoping that such contusions were the result of domestic violence as opposed to any type of intimate engagement one was able to score, (or pay for). And 'Yes, your divorce is a Debbie Downer' to me too. It depresses me every time I feel as though I have subscribed to your misery. Blog it like the rest of us, right? (I'm part of the club now right? K good.)

Now, Where Was I?

I have to use one of their templates? Gay.

Before I got here, the blog site required me to decide what template defines me as a new blogger on the... Hold on, Mike called me and this is probably important... Now, Where Was I? (Holy fuck that was artsy cuz that's like the name of my blog and shit!) But seriously, Mike called me.

Suddenly I have realize that I know nothing about the blogging culture!! Does being clever or artsy make me a blogger-douche bag? Am I supposed to sound like some sort of artist? Am I supposed to sound like a smart person or a writer or an emotional tween who's upset with her boyfriend or perhaps maybe even like someone looking for attention? I could go for some attention. Should I be asking a lot rhetorical questions like this in a blog? Do I use accurate spelling and/or proper grammar? Should I have already started a second paragraph, or are there even supposed to be paragraphs? Who do I presume is reading my blog? Should I try and create a certain kind of audience through what I write in my very first post? Okay, so I would like to say "fuck" and stuff in my blog like that, so don't read my blog if those words hurt your feelings. (Total blogger-douche bag move if I would have sworn in that last sentence more than once?).

So let's you and I blog for a moment so I can get this first post under my blog belt. Aside from blogging being an alternative method to weening myself off of Facebook, I'm not entirely sure what the actual intended purpose of my blog will be. I like writing, I like attention, and I've never considered blogging for a single day in my life before this evening. Though I have many more questions regarding what a 'blog' actually is and feeling some sort of obligation to be creatively expressive, I feel sufficient enough that the ice has been broken between man and blog. My template may never define me as a blogger, but with only 10 or 12 options what are you gonna do?

Here's the idea. I will try my best not to be boring. I will try my best not to have any one theme or specific origin of discourse. I'm saying 'I will try my best' because I can't promise you anything. I hope you read. I hope you laugh. I would even be okay if you just smiled a little. I probably won't post every day but be sure to check back often, because maybe I will.